I read a tweet made by someone I follow on Twitter today, and started to consider the reasons we are judgemental. “When you judge others you don’t define them, you define yourself.” author unknown.

This quote started me thinking about why people judge others. We have all been guilty of it. Sometimes, I suppose it is because we are insecure in our own skin, so we judge others to make ourselves feel better. I often wonder if this is really where bullying comes from. I don’t think bullies just hate everybody for no reason, but rather because they don’t much like themselves. They bully because it makes them feel like they are bigger or stronger than others. And the “targets” they choose are always smaller and weaker than they are, so they are judging these people to be of inferior strength, and therefore in a position to make the bully feel better about themselves.

Another reason we judge, is because we have a preconceived idea of what people should be in order to fit the mold we are trying to place them in. This may or may not be intentional. In our jobs, we sometimes judge people to see if they fit a mold for a product we are trying to sell them. Other times we look at someone who is, say waiting on us in a restaurant, and cringe because they look different than we think a waiter or waitress should. Maybe we are right in these judgements and maybe not, but are we too quick to judge.

I know there are times when we need to judge others, if only for our own safety, but when we choose to allow our judgement of other people to define who we are in a negative way, we begin to see others only from the negative perspective of humanity that we carry inside of us. If we assume that all people who look or act differently than we do, are bad…then what does that make us?

Many people had yesterday off to celebrate Martin Luther King Day. As I was relaxing at home, I thought about the differences in people. We are all very different, and most of us would agree that being different is a good thing, but sometimes those differences can be very annoying, to say the least. When people don’t share your core values, and each one feels that they are right or justified, arguments can ensue. Both parties can feel very strongly about their beliefs. So what is the solution?

Well, there probably isn’t a solution that will be accepted by both parties, and I think we have to accept that. Sometimes we must agree to disagree, but along with tolerence, I believe we must have equal respect for the feelings of others. We all say things not knowing that they are hurtful to others, but I think that when we know they are hurtful, we should make our best effort not to say or do those things around that person. Does this violate free speech? I don’t think so. I think it only adds compassion to free speech. Choosing not to say or do something in the presence of certain people so they are not offended. Is that really so very hard? It can’t be made a law, except our own personal law, but it can be so easily practiced. I don’t mean to say that we all need to tip toe around, just be somewhat aware. And on the other side of that coin, just because someone says something that offends you, doesn’t mean it was aimed at you. A cute little saying in the movie “Miss Congeniality II” has always stuck in my head. It goes like this, “Everything is not about you!” How very true that is. In this “me, me, me” world, I think we have forgotten that little fact.

I’m watching a show on TV in which a girl was hit by a train because another driver, filled with rage pushed her car across the tracks. This was a fictional story, of course, but this could just as easily be a true story. We have all been guilty of road rage, whether we want to admit it or not. I recalled my own experiences with road rage, on both sides of the story.

I was going home for lunch one day as the snow was melting. I lived out in the country, and didn’t often go home at lunch, but I had forgotten something that day, so I was in a hurry. As I was driving along, a car pulled right out in front of me. I swerved to miss him, and spun completely around in the road, due to the melting snow. I came to a stop, safe at last, so I got out of my car. He got out too, and said, “Are you alright?” My answer, “Yes…You aren’t too smart, are you?” He meekly responded, “I guess not. I’m glad you’re ok. Have a good day.” Of course, I felt like two cents waiting for change, and I decided at that moment, that road rage was a waste of energy, and it tended to make people feel really bad…on both sides.

A few years later, I was sitting at an intersection. The light was red, so I was stopped. The light changed to green, and I started to proceed into the intersection. Suddenly another driver came through the red light right in front of me. I stopped, and as she came through the intersection, I observed her panicked face. Many thoughts ran rapidly through my head, but then I recalled the earlier incident, and I smiled and waved. The relief that flooded her face was all I needed to know that I had made the right move. Two people went their way that day with a smile on their faces, knowing that kindness is the better way.

Another time I was on the other side of that coin, in that I was the one who went through the red light. No accident occurred, but the man who had to stop because of me, followed me to the next light, got out of his car screaming. I tried to ignore him, but he wasn’t leaving. I grabbed my cell phone, called my daughter, and rolled the window down a crack. He was still yelling when he realized that I was talking on the phone…I turned to him and said, “I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?” He sort of, came to himself and realized what he was doing, apologized and left. I was shaking.

Just the other day, with the parking lot covered in snow, I was driving down the lane at Albertson’s, when a girl came across 4 parking rows and in her white car, ended up right in front of me. I jumped, turned the wheel to the right, thankfully no cars were right there, and avoided her car. Again, our eyes met, and the relief on both faces was very obvious. We smiled…very relieved smiles, and went on our way. That was how my new year started. I felt thankful that it wasn’t different, and thankful that we both left the rage out of the mix.

Recently I had the misfortune to deal with a couple of situations in which a person in authority lied to cover their own backside. I know that the natural instinct in life is to do whatever it takes to protect yourself, but when a person in authority lies, it is really inexcusable. People need to be able to trust those in authority. It is especially deplorable when a person in authority lies to our children. Children are looking for someone to model themselves after, to look up to, and when a person they trust lies and the child knows they lied, they begin to think that all adults are the same.

There were two recent situations whereby teachers/coaches lied to their students, and that especially angers me. We tell our children to listen to their teachers and be obedient in class, and when the teacher/coach is the liar, and our children are the ones who take the fall on it, or don’t receive what they were told they would receive…well, it is wrong in every way. The children lose faith in the teacher/coach, the school system, authority figures, and adults in general. They begin to feel that they are not important, so adults don’t feel the need to be honest. And to top it off, the same authority figure will “punish” in one way or another, the student for lying. If you are going to lie to the students, at least have the decency to expect the same treatment, and be big enough to let it go when they do lie to you. After all, what have you taught them? As a teacher, you have taught them not to lie as children, but when you reach adulthood…well, then it’s ok.

The one thing we can take with us, no matter where we go, is our good name, or bad name, if that is what you choose to cultivate. If you destroy your good name by lying, you must work awfully hard to get it back, if it is possible to do so. The best thing to do is to protect your good name by never telling lies, and keeping your word even when it costs you more than you had hoped.

My husband and I were at the mall last night for our evening walk, when I saw a teen aged girl wearing a t-shirt that said, “Discipline or Disappointment, Take Your Pick” on the back of it. My first thought was, “Well, how profound.” But after thinking about it for a little while I began to wonder what our kids really want. I don’t think you would see a teenager wearing a shirt like that one if they weren’t trying to make a serious statement. This girl truly understood that without discipline in our lives, we are not going achieve our best self.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that most teenagers won’t admit that they need and really, want limits, but I believe that most kids do want to be good kids. I don’t think that any child dreams of being in constant trouble, but without limits, rules and regulations, and discipline, kids will get into trouble. Now I know that many people don’t like spanking, but there are many ways to discipline your child. I don’t believe that “time out” is an effective method, but I think grounding works quite well.

In this world of bad influences, it is hard enough to keep kids out of the kind of trouble that comes from time spent with the wrong kind of friends, but when you add a lack of discipline at home to that mix, you are headed for trouble.

Was this girl a one in a million, I don’t really think so, unless you are talking one in a million who tell it like it is. No, I think she is speaking for many other teenagers who are saying, help me be better. Make me behave. Help me achieve. Keep me out of trouble. Give me limits, rules, regulations, discipline, because all of these things, even though I might hate them at times, tell me you LOVE me.